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Walking Into Gratefulness

Plunged in time

stamped with the darkness

of grief's insidious comfort,

I wintered

in the flowing tears

that kept me connected

to you.


Consumed

with the despairing hold of

forever,

I enveloped your memory

deep in the most obscure sadness of my heart

lest an unexpected moment of shining light

cause me to fear I was forgetting

you.


But slowly came the arrival of spring's

perfectly timed reveal,

creeping with newness of life,

the promise of re-creation

seeping through cracks

desperate for the light of hope,

and the rebirth

of lost joy.


Barely back to breathing

the excitement of

possibility,

tragedy swallowed again

the happiness reappearing in my laughter,

an unwelcome repeat performance of grief,

the winds knocked in an instant

from my blossoming bloat

as sorrow's final curtain fell.


Grief stricken

and colored in loss,

crumbled to orphan-hood

in the grand parenting season of my life,

left to ponder what remains

of life absent of

the authors of my story,

the main characters in my life’s novel,

the foundation of my very existence,

my life’s first and dearest loves.


Smacked down, hard,

with regret's realization,

time lost to misplaced focus,

stolen by choice

of success's recognition,

financial comfort,

and pleasing the masses

over a last opportunity to pledge love,

the myth of perfection's hard work

exposed as worthless.


Shattered and

knocked to my knees yet again,

searching for wisdom

through stabs of

overbearing pain and guilt,

clawing my way back

from the suffocation of

what ifs,

if only,

of life's fragility,

unable to breathe in

the finality of gone forever.


Yet all the while You held me,

patiently rocking me

in time’s perfection,

in love's compassion,

waiting

for the holes

to seed my awareness,

the openings

to plant whisperings in my soul,

whisperings of season's purpose,

of love's forgiveness,

of spirit's awakening,

of death's rebirth,

of growth's flowering,

of choice's transformation,

of blessing's unfurling,

for the chance to walk me,

slowly,

purposefully,

into gratefulness.


And through it all,

I changed.

Through it all,

I opened myself to

the pain.

I invited You

into my heart.

I wept and slept in

your eternal promise of life.

I surrendered to

Your plan,

I thanked you for

Your grace,

Your forgiveness,

Your gifts,

Your timing.


And I am changed.

In death

you opened me

to life.


In death

you taught me

love.


And I am grateful,

for every bit of it.

©Chris Colyer

July 27, 2017

 

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