To Be As The Bow

There is a part of me that can't seem to let go,

at least not all the way.

Not yet.

And I'm not even sure why.

But I am sure I'm not alone.

I recognize that there is still a small part of me that is holding my breath while I try to bulldoze my way out of the restrictions that are preventing my comfortable norm,

a part of me that is actually pushing and shoving to get to the front of the line,

to see into the future,

to know what happens,

so I can plan.

How do people operate without a plan?

It's the not knowing that is killing me,

the 'when is this going to be over so I can start living my life again?'

But, then, isn't that part of what growth is all about?

Stepping out of your comfort zone,

breaking old patterns,

breathing new possibility,

strengthening faith,

embracing uncertainty,

finding joy and happiness in the everyday ups and downs?

I want to be that person.

I do.

You know, the Buddha-like Zen master,

the one that meditates every day and goes peacefully with the flow,

that regards stress as a teacher,

that rides the waves without falling down,

that makes the sweetest lemonade out of the sourest lemons,

that concentrates solely on mindfulness and compassion?

Yeah, that's who I want to me.

And there are moments where I know I'm even successful at it,

until my mind falls back into its old patterns of over-thinking again,

and then my chest tightens, almost imperceptibly,

and it's not until I find myself taking deep breaths that I even realize it's happened again.

I want to be as the bow to the arrow,

able to propel swiftly and effectively at my chosen target,

in total control of the trajectory of my life,

flexible, but strong,

an instrument with a means to an end,

predictable in my aim.

Isn't that how I've always been?

Hasn't it always served me well?

Why is this happening?

Could it be time for a change?

Could it be time to risk letting the arrow miss the target and land, instead, in a field of new dreams?

I wonder.

©Chris Colyer

May 5, 2020