It dawned on me this week that I have taken yet another leap in my own evolutionary journey.... I do not feel guilt for a recent decision I made to step away from my 31-year-old career of running a daycare/preschool in my home. The truth is, I can barely believe I don't have any guilt - that's how accustomed I think I've been to guilt controlling so many of my decisions! This isn't to say the decision was easy - FAR FROM IT - but the fact that I have made this choice without guilt is huge!
I realize that guilt is something some may not have given a great deal of thought to. You may even be someone who thinks it is the luck of the draw, so-to-speak - or perhaps even in the genes - that you're either born as a guilt-sponge, or you're not. My mother often questioned why I felt so much guilt about so many things when she rarely wrangled with the emotion. I always envied this about her but couldn't seem to figure out just why I was wired so differently. But as I've analyzed and dived deep into my own emotional healing these last several years, I've come to believe that guilt is both learned and also cast upon us, depending on factors such as emotional sensitivity, religious upbringing, astrological sign, parenting, life experiences, and especially trauma (including unresolved past family trauma).
My earliest memory of feeling guilt and shame is of being brought to the front of my first-grade classroom where I was chastised by my teacher for creating a "dirty mess" on the classroom floor. You see, I had hand-me-down boots that had some small holes in the heels so my mother would have me wear bread bags inside my boots to help keep my feet dry, but those holes collected just enough snow inside the boots that the wetness would melt and seep out before the boots could be removed. I vividly remember crying while I was on display for the class. It was the first time I remember feeling shame that I was "poor" and feeling embarrassed that I was somehow different from the other children, AND I felt guilt for making the mess that the teacher then required me to "clean up!" Yes, this really did happen in the winter the 1966-67 school year when I was just 6 years old. It left a massive scar.
There were many times long after this that shame for my family's financial circumstances and for the condition of our house's rundown exterior, and home's outdated and worn interior, led me to feel 'less than.' And I now know that I tried to compensate for my feelings of inadequacy and my need for feeling worthy by becoming the perfectionist my father approved of and praised. But I felt guilt when I wasn't perfect at everything I did. I desperately craved his approval, and later, the approval of boys and men to make me feel worthy and loved. I suppose all of this set the stage for the young high school girl who was chosen, groomed, manipulated, and sexually abused by a teacher/coach. THIS experience further exacerbated guilt, shame, victimhood, and my need to be perfect in order to make myself into someone better than this girl who was coerced into believing she brought 'this situation' on herself. Fast forward to a rape during my early college years and I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear that the traumas and scars of all of this took me into my late 50's to finally fully process and find forgiveness for. I am here to tell you that forgiveness for your offenders is possible, but the journey can be a long and challenging one!
Why do I tell you all of this? Because most of us carry childhood baggage with us into our adulthood, and we each have our own individual journey to traverse to heal our self from past trauma, past conditioning, and the scars of shame, worthlessness, and guilt that can easily find their way in through life's difficulties, challenges, and mistakes. Each one of these events created a domino effect that continued to impact everything that happened to me and every decision I made after each one occurred. The grief of loss, that began for me 7 years ago with the unexpected death of my father, was also the beginning of all of this baggage that needed to be unpacked, unraveled, and fully understood by me, to say nothing of finding forgiveness for, and rebuilding self-worth, in order to heal............................ALL of which subsequently has allowed me to reach this point now, at nearly 62 years of age, where I can finally listen to my inner voice and follow its wisdom with absolute peace (and no guilt!) in my decision.
THIS is the basis for the words that follow below. I hope they speak to a part of you that is also searching for the healing that will allow you to finally step fully into your power, into your beauty, and into your light. We are each a constant work in progress, we each do the best we know how (until we know better), we are each worthy of love, and we are each deserving of grace. May you find the courage, forgiveness, and self-love to walk confidently in your truth!
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Above all, dearest child of God, you must honor the sacred awareness deep within you -
the whispers that tell you who you are, from where you came, how you are to live and love, where you are to go.
You must live this truth -YOUR truth: you must feel it, breathe it, fully surrender to it, sit in its absolute peace, and allow it to stream from you like the farthest-reaching rays of the sun,
for to do anything less only creates internal conflict;
an imbalance within you that fosters dis-ease, dis-order, and dis-course.
It's that simple.
And, yes, that hard,
but only at first.
The more you allow yourself to live your truth with absolute authenticity, the less fearful you will be as you evolve, and the better you will become at effecting a state of beautiful flow: at creating loving boundaries, at dipping in and out, at giving and receiving, at knowing when and how, at being while becoming, at remaining in a state of non-threatening neutrality while loving others wherever they are in their journey.
Non-threatening neutrality does not mean you will not have opinions.
Rather, it means you live so comfortably inside your own truth that you are no longer threatened by the differing opinions of others, instead able to hear and embrace each for any lesson or growth it may offer.
It means you love yourself with such commitment that you do not require the approval of others for the choices you make or need to seek validation for how you choose to live.
It means you believe in the worth of the individual (including YOU!) with such conviction that you are able to more easily forgive the mistakes and shortcomings of yourself and your fellow man, and to lovingly walk away (not engage) when hatred or disrespect is directed at you, or when disagreement threatens to dissolve into anger.
There will always be those who are drawn to, and others who will be put off by your inner light, or by the markers that guide your truth.
There will be those who question your choices, attempt to discredit your beliefs, judge you unfairly, speak ill of you, or attempt to convince you that you are crazy, or worse.
This is not for you to take into your heart and body, or to hold onto with question, concern, or remorse.
Know only that those are not your people, and while there will always be something to learn from every encounter, you will, over time, more easily release with love any negativity surrounding these situations.
The longer you remain in the comfortableness of your beliefs while simultaneously trusting your own ever- evolving inner guidance system,
the easier it will become for you to let go of second thoughts,
and of worry, guilt, and shame,
to forgive mistakes,
to draw to you the people and circumstances meant to guide you,
and to confidently choose your path forward.
Dearest, dearest child of God, you are so much wiser and more capable than you know.
All you need do is listen to the inner voice that speaks to your heart and live your truth in the way only you can,
with loving intention,
with unbounded fervor,
and with the faith that you are divinely guided, energetically interconnected, and angelically protected,
for not only will your fearless truth living set you free,
but it will blossom you into your most beautiful self while incarnating you in love, allowing your impact to be felt beyond this present moment and into the healing ripples of time.
Jan. 25, 2022
Chris Colyer
Photo credit to Sami Takarautio ❤
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